The third book in the Freshman Dorm series, Freshman Guys, should have come with some sort of prologue with a message to young girls everywhere: These are the guys you will meet in college. Choose wisely. Just saying. 

Would 5th grade me have listened? Probably not. I was probably thinking Steven was mysterious. I hope I was thinking that Christopher was a jerk. Likely, living through the college guy archetypes are just a rite of passage that we all go through until we’re safe in our late 20s and can just roll our eyes. 

Who are these guys? 

Steven–This is the KC storyline. KC is still dealing with the fallout of her taking the money from her soccer shirt business project to pay for her credit card bill. She’s freaking out about covering that bill (although I don’t know why she didn’t just pay for the soccer shirts with the credit card that is now paid off and then take the next couple months paying that off with her new job, guess we need the drama) and she’s still dealing with her feelings for Steven, business partner, classmate and the guy she was kissing in the rain at the end of the last book. 

What college guy archetype is Steven? Steven is the rich boy with no direction whose daddy issues are clear in all his interactions, including those with KC. He introduces KC to his father over dinner (seems like a very bold move after only knowing each other a few weeks) where Steven and his father share passive aggressive jabs before Steven starts in on KC, noting her parents “very small business” and noting how she comes from a small town. While Steven later tries to redeem himself by opening up about his relationship with his dad, his relationship with KC remains a question mark at the end of the book. 

Christopher–Faith’s continued steamy storyline. This is the book’s steamiest storyline complete with PG kissing and make out sessions. Unfortunately, Faith’s rebound from the high school boyfriend is the sleazy upperclassman cheating on his fiance with a freshman. Christopher promises Faith that he is going to end things with his fiance, but when she tries to get him to meet up, he’s always busy with his new internship. His work excuses turn out to be legit, but by the end of the book, it doesn’t seem like Christopher is as perfect as Faith initially thought. 

Matthew/Josh-Winnie has a possible new love interest, Matt, who is the guy in college who tries just a little too hard to be quirky and intellectual but is actually kind of dumb. The series has promised us that Winnie is this cool wild child but the writers continue to dim her sparkle by having her date Matthew, a guy from her film class who expounds on the greatness of Steven Spielberg and seems obsessed with experiencing everything classic Americana–Homecoming, parades, he even references Spam (the canned meat, not what’s in your email folder, for the kids out there). He is also into planning and scheduling, a detail that even Winnie admits is not her but she will try in her attempts to move on from the Josh crush. 

In the end though, Winnie sees Matthew is a bad fit, and the interactions with Josh are enough to keep readers thinking that maybe there’s still a chance. And a good thing, because check out the very ‘90s description of Matthew:

“His blond hair was very short, except for a skinny little ponytail that corkscrewed down 

the back of his neck. Tall and lanky, in karate pants, a black turtleneck and high tops, he 

was definitely Winnie’s type.” 

Skinny ponytail? Red flag. 

Dash-Lauren’s freshman guy is the social justice warrior. Dash, the student newspaper writer from the last book, grows closer to Lauren as they work together to protest the university’s plan to tear down a street of residential houses and build a parking lot. Lauren officially gets her own picture on the back of the book now and her storyline of working with the newspaper staff to plan a protest at a fancy university dinner, is actually the most interesting and she may have the most pages dedicated to her storyline in the book. 

And can we talk about Lauren on the back of the book? The series has worked really hard to convince us of how overweight Lauren is. The first book even had Lauren the target of a cruel fraternity/sorority prank where she was set up on a date with Christopher as “trash” or the most undesirable girl his roommate could find. There are even a few lines in this book, like when KC and Steven are talking and he says, “What about the girl I met last weekend, the chubby one who owns the white BMW?” The Lauren on the back of the book is far from overweight, even by toxic 1990s standards, and she’s beautiful! If a tween girl was reading this series and kept hearing that Lauren is so undesirable, then flipped over to the pictures on the back, I would hope she would also call BS and not feel horrible. 

By the end of the book, in all its serial/soap opera greatness, we are left wondering if Dash and Lauren’s chemistry will ignite, if Winnie will finally get with Josh, if KC and Steven will be on or off in the next book, and if Faith will find out the truth about Christopher. Freshman Guys definitely brings the drama and more PG love scenes that I’m sure my friends and I ate up back in our 5th grade class, but if only we could have learned a few lessons about those college guys. 

That’s So ‘90s/Obligatory Detailed Clothes Description:

• “Faith looked artsy in a peasant blouse, denim jumper and cowboy boots, her blond hair swept back in a French braid. Winnie wore one of her standard wild combinations: satin boxer shorts, glittery purple tights, and a leopard-print crop top.”